Superman Stamina Review

2Apr/130

Inside the Secret Sex Parties of Sloths

sloth in a box

Sloth Sex.

And I’m not talking about two lazy people just laying there waiting for the other person to do all the work.

I’m talking two toed sloths and the secrets of their “open” sex life.

Now, when you think of sloths you don’t usually think about mating… it just seems to imply too much effort.

In fact I was in a relationship much like this once, back in college. Not a fun experience. But that’s an entirely different type of slow motion.

Wild sloths actually make being lazy profitable. They move so patiently and can stay so still that predators will literally walk right past them (or under them) without notice. Their camouflage skills blow those of a Marine sniper out of the water.

But it is their intense lovemaking abilities that really make sloths stand out from the crowd. They believe in a well-defined “free for all” when it comes to hooking up with whoever they are interested in.

The average male is usually sexually involved with three females, and would probably have a few more if it didn’t require so much effort… or interfere with his 18 hours of sleep. (They get pretty cranky if they are up for more than a quarter of the day.)

Sloth women are a bit more discriminate but still NOT willing to be tied down, preferring to keep at least two guys in their furry back pocket at any given time.

Now that’s not to say that fights don’t break out over who is sleeping with who. Sloths have been found with significant facial scars from the claws of other sloths. It’s just that it takes so much energy to battle over a woman. And really, who has that kind of time?

Plus it turns out that there are evolutionary benefits to this kind of polygamous arrangement, so sleeping around benefits the whole species by keeping their genetic diversity strong (with females having sloth babies from multiple partners).

And would you ever in a million years have guessed that the main problem with their “open” sexual habits is getting lost? Literally, sloths lose each other pretty often. They move so slowly and hide so well that they often can’t find each other when it’s time to do the dirty.

Sometimes a female will spend over a year looking for one of her favorite sexual partners (only to realize he’s been hiding in a coconut tree a few feet away the entire time).

And I thought I was hard to get a hold of.

But the best part… for all their reputation for slow careful movements, the average sloth only lasts about five seconds in the sack. Ouch. No wonder the females need multiple partners.

Maybe it’s because they almost always have sex upside down… probably hard to keep the blood flow going to all the right places.

Don’t worry about these wild love machines getting too caught up in the passion of sexual encounter and tumbling down from their high perch though. Their claws are so strong that they sometimes don’t even fall down after they die, hanging there in the trees for days.

And for all of you that had no idea sloths were be so sexually progressive, check out this guy… he’s a firm believer in self pleasure while waiting for his booty call to arrive.

Yours Truly,

Alex Winters

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Alex Winters

 

 

 

 

 

Freelance writer and blogger,
designer of mental rocket ships,
and all around sports, entertainment,
and men's health junkie.
Alex has a degree in English Lit and Writing
from U.C. Berkeley and has been publishing
articles since 2009.

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